New Year, New Life

So we are seven days into 2013. This year a lot of things are going to change for me, and I am going to share some of them with you today.

- I am going to lose the rest of the weight and reach my goal weight of 135 lbs. As of today I am halfway to that goal - I have lost 35lbs, and I currently weigh 165lbs. It hasn't been easy getting here, but I have seen serious results and I am wearing clothes I haven't worn in years, so that is giving me more motivation to continue pushing myself. My mini goals are to be a size 8 by February, and a size 4 by my birthday in June. I can do it, and I am very proud of myself for getting as far as I have already.

- I am going to finish my Master's degree. I have one more class. Just one. But it's the hardest one of all, and I have to do a huge research project that is going to take up a lot of my time. I will probably start the class sometime in March. There are two graduation ceremonies in Phoenix this year, and I plan to walk across the stage at one of them. The second ceremony is on my birthday, and would be a perfect occasion to buy myself a brand new size 4 dress ;)

- Mike and I are getting a divorce.

So there it is. Typed out, in words that are real. At first I typed up a whole different blog about this. It was angry, mad, mean, bitter, sad, and all the things that led up to this decision in the first place. So I wrote it all out in all its angry glory.....and then I waited several days, deleted it, and started over with this post.

This isn't the kind of thing you announce in a Facebook status update. And I honestly don't know if this is the right way to tell people either. But it's going to get out, more people know now, and I want my friends and family to know that I am ok.

Divorce is not an easy decision for anyone. It certainly wasn't the decision I wanted us to have to make. We just had a baby, and I always wanted my children to grow up with both parents. The good news is that Colton will have both of his parents in his life. The bad news is that we just won't be married.

There are a lot of reasons that this is what is happening. Reasons that I don't fully understand, and can't explain to you today. I can't tell you how we became broken, but we are. Neither one of us is happy, and we can't continue on the way we've been. I am thankful that if this is what we have to do, Colton is young enough that hopefully this will have a minimal effect on his life, and he will always know that both of his parents love him more than anything.

I am going to be okay. I have done a lot of soul searching in the last two weeks, and the one thing I know for sure is that I am going to be okay. I have an amazing little boy who makes me smile, and who is my entire world. I have a million things in my life that are positive, and that are happy, and that will get me through whatever path is in front of me.

I am scared, I am nervous. I know that it's going to be hard. I'm going to have good days and bad days. But I have to believe that things happen for a reason. I know that I will make it through this. And someday I will find the person I am meant to be with, and all of this will make sense.

So how can you help me?? Cause that's what people ask in this situation: What do you need? How can I help? Are you okay?

What I need is support. There's plenty of blame to go around on both sides of every story, and this one is no exception. We’ve been going through this for a while, and there’s a reason you haven’t read about it on Facebook – because that’s not who we are, and that’s not who I am. I’m not looking for drama, and for Colton’s sake, I want this to go as smoothly as possible. There is no reason to take sides, or have to choose between us. I’m not giving up ANY of you as my friends or family, no matter what. The only reason I’m writing about it publicly now is that I need to get past the ‘telling’ of the story so that I can start to heal and move on.

How can you help me? Keep me busy! Text me, call me, come visit me, send me a message on Facebook. It’s going to be a tough transition for to not have Colton with me all the time, so on my off weekends, I need stuff to do! The one thing I know about myself, and that has gotten a little lost in the last few years – I am a people person. I love being with people. And I am going to spend the next few months focusing on reconnecting with everyone I love.

Am I okay? I am. I wasn’t. But I am now. I know my flaws, and I know my strengths. And I know that I am a good person who deserves more than what we’ve both been settling for. And one day, I will find it. This is my opportunity to make positive changes in my life so that I can create my own happiness, and I am not going to waste it.

So….that’s it. That’s where I’m at, and now you know. I have a big year ahead of me, and I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to look forward to. And that's what I am doing from this moment on: Looking Forward.