You know what I'm looking forward to?

I'm looking forward to the day when I can fit into the little blue dress that's been hanging in my closet for as long as I can remember. The one I bought when I was 19.

I'm looking forward to the morning my alarm goes off for work and I'm excited to get up and get ready and do my hair and put on makeup. Because I feel good about the way I'm going to look that day.

I'm looking forward to the day that I can go shopping in any store and see the cute little dress hanging on a rack and know that when I try it on, in whatever size that may be, it's going to fit.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can wear a pair of single-digit-sized jeans. (Maybe January?! I'm trying!!)

I'm looking forward to the day that I run into someone from high school that I haven't seen in a while, and they say 'wow you haven't changed at all'

I'm looking forward to the day when I want to wear a bathing suit

I'm looking forward to the day that I see my collarbone again. Hey there friend!

I'm looking forward to asking someone if they've bought their tickets to the gun show

I am looking forward to beating Just Dance Country on the Wii

I'm looking forward to the days when I can buy cute bras at Victoria's Secret again. And let's be honest - not just bras. ;)

I'm looking forward to the first time I climb Camelback Mountain. Literally the first time - I have never climbed that mountain in all the years I've lived here

I'm looking forward to NO muffin tops.

I'm looking forward to wearing shorts.

I'm looking forward to wearing all of the cute necklaces I have.

I'm looking forward to being a MILF. ;)

I'm looking forward to smiling with my eyes.

I'm looking forward to insisting on more.

I'm looking forward to believing that I'm worthy of the things I want.

Most of all I'm looking forward to hope.

I'm looking forward to feeling hopeful, instead of hopeless.

What day is it again?

So technically it's day 23. But due to me being sick, and then Colton being sick, and then Thanksgiving.... Today was workout 12 ;)

I have switched to the Level Two workout. I love it!! It is a lot of core work, doing different plank moves, and a lot of lunges. Usually I hate lunges, and I am certainly not loving these. However, I took my measurements again today, and suddenly I'm feeling a lot more affection for them.

Here is where I am after 12 workouts over 23 days:

Waist - 34.75 (-1.75 inch loss)
Hips - 40.75 (-1 inch loss)
Left Arm - 12 (-.5 inch loss)
Right Arm - 12 (-.5 inch loss)
Left thigh - 23.5 (-1 inch loss)
Right thigh - 23.5 (-1 inch loss)

That's a total of 5.75 inches lost. Which may not seem like all that much, but the 'where' is what is important. I have lost almost 2 inches off my waist!!! That is amazing!!!

I really needed that kind of motivation today.

I saw this picture yesterday, and I loved it. I have it as the background for my phone now, just to give a reminder of what I'm doing.

I have had some rough days in the last two weeks. I have had to remind myself that I am doing this for ME, and that no matter what else happens in my day or week...or life - my weight loss goals are about how I feel about me. No one else can lose the weight. No one else can do the work for me. No one else can make this happen except me.

And at the end of every day, I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and know whether I did my best or not. Things are going to happen that I have no control over. But did I commit 100% to everything I do have control over?

If I did, then to hell with everything else. Cause when it's all said and done, I'll be wherever it is I am meant to be. And at least I'll feel good about me.

How I Got Here - Part Two

So we've talked about the food, and how that factored into my weight gain. Getting a handle on that area of my life was my first step.

Then, I had to look at the other reasons I had gained so much weight.

I got lazy. It was easy to come home every day, snack on candy, and watch tv all night long. Who wants to work out when they get home from work?

But then.....my pants wouldn't fit. My shirts didn't quite cover what they used to. I had to go buy new clothes. And the sizes I thought I should be trying on....didn't even fit up over my thighs. Want to talk about the definition of heartbreak?

And so I wore what did fit. We all know what that is. Sweatpants. Pajamas. Tshirts. Nothing tight, nothing cute. Nothing worth getting dressed up and going out about.

So when you're wearing those types of clothes, other things start to go too. It's easy to wear your hair in a bun every day. Makeup? Who needs that - you're wearing blah clothes, and a bun. You don't want anyone REALLY looking at you anyways.

Manicures, pedicures....no reason for that when there's nothing else going on.

I have a stand up jewelry box with tons of earrings and necklaces that are super cute. But who wants to wear a necklace and draw attention to the fat around your face and neck?

I lost myself along the way. Because when you don't want anyone looking at you....you stop looking at yourself too. The depression you feel from being overweight makes it easier to justify sleeping instead of getting up twenty minutes earlier to blow dry and curl my hair. Cause remember - you have to look in a mirror to blow dry and curl hair, and put on makeup.

And for the past couple years, I have avoided mirrors like it was my job. If I didn't see it...the weight didn't exist, right??? Wrong.

Being at this weight has changed who I am. It's changed my personality, my attitude, my overall outlook on life. I USED TO BE A SUPER FUN GIRL. I could find something fun in any situation. Being overweight changed that about me. It has made me angry. Angry at myself for getting to this point, angry at myself for not being stronger sooner.

And that anger changes my reactions and reasoning to other areas of my life. It changes my interactions with my family and friends. It changes my general everyday outlook on life. When you dont want anyone looking at you, you stop looking at the people in your life too. I HATE that the weight has changed me. I don't like this girl. I don't like feeling the way I have been feeling for far too long.

I know that the girl I was still exists. I know that she is just waiting for me to find her again. I miss that girl. And so I am on a mission to find her. It took me a while to get on the right path, but I am on it now, and nothing is going to keep me from getting back to where I need to be.

How Did I Get Here? And how the heck do I get back?

This is going to be a long post. Sorry for that upfront, but this is a question that isn't a quick answer.

How did I get here? That is a question I ask myself a lot. And I know the the answer is more than a simple sentence that can solve everything quickly.

And I know what some of my family and friends will say - You had a baby.

Yeah, I did. But if I'm being honest....and honestly, what's the point of writing all of this if I'm not?!....honestly - I was WAY overweight before I ever got pregnant. When I got pregnant, my doctor said - "I don't want you to gain more than 20lbs".

You know it's bad when a doctor tells a pregnant woman not to gain weight.

And those same friends and family will say very sweet, very well-intentioned things like, "You didn't look like you weighed 200 lbs". And I love all of you for trying so hard to make me feel better, and for reminding me to focus on the positives.

But....I did. I did weigh that. I did look like I weighed that. I'm 5 foot tall. The only positive thing about being 200 lbs and 5 ft tall is that I was positive I was going to feel like crap about myself every day.

I want to kick my own ass for getting to this weight, and not doing anything about it before this. Which, technically, I guess I am kicking my own ass now that I'm working out on a regular basis.

So how did it happen? It's vital that I understand the reasons why so that I can recognize and avoid them in the future. I've been thinking about this for a long time, and I can recognize several steps that led me to those 200lbs.

The first thing that comes to mind is that my husband is an AMAZING cook. He is. If you've ever eaten his food, then you know it's true. But - the real problem is NOT that he's an amazing cook - that's a good thing.

The problem is that I didn't have a shred of willpower when it came to portion control. So he would cook this amazing food, and then I'd eat enough for three people. It was just so good. That was the first big hurdle I had to overcome - portion control. And Mike was awesome about changing the food we were eating to make it more healthy. When I finally started being serious about it, he started finding new vegetables to cook, and new recipes to try that were healthy and different. And we started cooking less food at each meal. If there was only enough for each of us, there was no need to keep eating. I can't eat what isn't there.

Which brings me to the next issue. We ALWAYS had candy and sweets in the house. And pop. Mt Dew, Coke, whatever, I'd drink it. So we stopped buying those types of things. One day I went through our pantry and I literally threw away anything and everything that was bad snacks. No more Reese's cups in the fridge. No more Starburst in bags. Again, I can't eat what isn't there.

After a while, the cravings for those sweets went away. I'm not saying I don't occasionally want chocolate, and there are definitely days that I HAVE to have a Mt Dew. The difference is that I have ONE. On one day. And then I drink water. I don't drink a twelve pack in two days. And we have found that there are snacks out there that are actually very sweet, and they fix the craving for under 100 calories. Special K pastry crisps are one of my FAVORITE things now. They have Strawberry, Blueberry, Brown Sugar...and....CHOCOLATE. Which might be my favorite snack ever.

We used to eat McDonald's about once a week. And throw in at least one night of Venezia's pizza, and then usually one other night where we'd get Burger King/Taco Bell/Filiberto's/Jack in the Box or some other version of one of those. I never gave any thought to how many calories I was eating in one meal at one of those places.

At McDonald's my order was always the same:
Big Mac Value Meal with Large Fries and Large Coke, and also a 10 piece chicken nugget. And I would eat it ALL. Do you know how many calories that is?

1670 calories.

That is more calories in one meal than I eat in an entire day now. Ugh. That seriously grosses me out just typing that.

What makes me feel better is that I honestly don't remember the last time I had McDonald's. Or Burger King. Or really, any fast food of any kind. I know that it's been at least since August, when I remember having the Doritos Taco from Taco Bell one night because I had seen the commercial so many times, and I REALLY wanted to try that. So I did. And then the next meal I was back on track.

I eat a LOT of fish now. I have tuna for lunch at least twice a week. I eat a lot of Smart Ones, and Lean Cuisine, and when I eat at restaurants, I focus more on the protein of the meal I choose, instead of eating the sides first. Mmmmm....mashed potatoes. I am a sucker for potatoes. And so I don't allow myself to order them unless I also order the veggie, and I will only eat the mashed potatoes if my meat and veggies are gone first.

It also helps that my husband is an amazing cook. And he cooks a LOT. I am very lucky that he does, and I know that. Because of him, I've discovered I like asparagus, grilled green beans, some forms of zucchini, squash and grilled corn on the cob. And we try and limit the carbs that we make, so that I'm not tempted by the evil machinations of the Po-tay-toe.

Oh Yukon and Red, how I love thee!! But alas, our love was not meant to be, and so we're gonna have to settle for the occasional conversation on some random Tuesday night. You bring the butter, I'll bring the fork.

There are more steps and realizations about how I got here, but that is all for tonight. Next time I'm going to talk about how weighing 200lbs affected EVERY area of my life, and the things I've learned about myself because of that.

30DS - Day 6

Dear Jillian Michaels,

I didn't want to like you. Until last week I hated you because your game on the Wii led me to a fractured bone in my foot. I was happy holding my grudge against you, and I had no reason to let it go.

But then, I started hearing more and more about the success that people have had with your 30 Day Shred series. SERIOUS results. So I figured, ok lady - I am going to put our past behind me and maybe we can at least be acquaintances.

One week later, and I am ready to ask you to be my BFF. This Shred is no joke, and it delivers. FAST.

Let me tell you about my week. On Wednesday I did Day 5. It is getting a little easier - the cardio circuits are much easier, and I am considering increasing my weights in the strength moves.

Yesterday, I took a rest day. I just had a long week, and I needed a day off. So today was Day 6. The strength moves are getting easier and I am pushing harder on the ab moves. Overall it went really well.

And then

I took my measurements. I know, I know. It's only been a week. I honestly didn't have high expectations. It's only been 6 days, right?

Ha! Here are my measurements today:
Waist - 35.5 in (-1 inch)
Hips - 41 in (-.75 inch)
Arms - 12 (-.5 inch on each arm)
Thighs - 23.5 (-.5 inch on each thighs)

In six days I have lost almost 3 inches. IN SIX DAYS!!!

That is amazing. And just what I needed to see today.

And that is why I am ready to make Jillian Michaels my BFF. At the very least I forgive her for my fractured bone ;)

Have a good weekend everyone!!!

30DS - Day 4

My plan was to do the Shred this morning and run tonight. Plans change.

Mike was sick, and it was a long night, so I really needed the extra sleep this morning. However, it's only Tuesday, and I still have plenty of days left to meet my running goal this week. So I decided to focus on the Shred, since I have to do that regardless. Day 4 - done.

Today was easier than the last two days have been. I was able to do all the cardio today, and I pushed harder on the strength exercises. I also added an ab exercise that I found in one of Jillian's YouTube videos. Just one, because I really want more focus on that particular area.

After, I decided to take my measurements again. I know, I know. It's only been four days. Don't set yourself up for disappointment, right? However - I have seen so many awesome results online for this program that I thought, what the heck?

So, in the first four days of this program, I have lost almost a half inch off my waist. WHAT??? :) :) :) :) That is so freaking awesome!!!! I am thrilled with that. Seeing results makes me even more determined to keep pushing forward.

On to Day 5!!!

30DS - Day 3

That's right. It's 7:00am, I am at work, and I already did my workout for today. I have been up since 4:10. Yuck!!! I am super sleepy today.

It took me a little longer to wake up than I thought it would, so by the time I changed my clothes and was ready, I only had 20 minutes to do today's workout. So I did as much as I could, and still made sure I did the stretches.

Tomorrow I will get up when my alarm goes off so that I have plenty of time to finish the full workout.

Tomorrow I work out in the morning, and run 2 miles at night. So tonight I plan on going to sleep early ;)

Happy Monday!!!

30DS - Day 2

Day 2 - Check!!

I was not really sore today, but that may be because I didn't hit it 100% yesterday due to my back.

But today - I did EVERY move on that video. I can already feel it in my arms. It's such a good feeling - even though I know tomorrow is going to hurt!! In the video Jillian makes a comment about how people on Day 5 or 6 will notice an improvement in their endurance during the cardio circuits. I hope so - because right now those butt kickers are literally kicking my butt!! Which is kind of sad, considering I've been running for a couple months now.

Have you looked at any of the before/after pictures on Google yet? If you haven't - I strongly recommend it. It certainly gave me the motivation to start these videos. I honestly cannot wait until I have the 'after' pictures to post :)

And really let's be honest. The real reason I'm doing all this work to get into shape is because when the zombie apocalypse comes, I am not going out in the first round!! Haha - just kidding ;) (but not really!!!)

My goals for this week are:

Do Level 1 EVERY day.
Drink a gallon of water each day.
Run 2 miles 3 days this week.

I am also going to write a post this week about how I feel at this weight, and the things I miss about being in the 130's.

The Dirty Girl Mud Run is in 13 days. I am SO excited to do this. It is the first thing I've ever done like this where I actually trained for a physical activity, so I am really proud of what I have put in. I am looking forward to being covered head to toe in mud, and making it through the entire obstacle course. It may take me an hour and a half - but I can't wait!!!

So what are your fitness goals this week?

30DS - Day 1

I opened this today to see my first measurements, and for some reason it reverted to a draft?? so now i have to republish. But its not actually new.

I woke up this morning with a cold. That figures, right?? :P Colton has had a cold since Thursday, so I wasn't really surprised.

But also, I slept totally wrong, and my back is all messed up this morning too. Two good excuses to postpone the start of this program, right?

Nope!! I put it out in the world that I was starting today - and I started today!! I have officially completed Day One.

So the first thing you're supposed to do is take your measurements, so you can compare at the end. I am going to share them here. I am not proud of them, and I won't show the pics I took just yet, but here is my starting point:

Waist - 36.5
Hips - 41.75
L Arm - 12.5
R Arm - 12.5
L Thigh - 24.5
R Thigh - 24.5

Ugh. How did all of that even happen?? Yeah, sure, I had a baby. Things shift and change, that's true.

But.....YUCK. I cannot believe those are my stats. How are my thighs the size that I wish my waist was?!?! What is that?!!

And to be honest - two months ago, my waist was two inches wider. Everything was wider two months ago. And it's gone down...so I just have to keep going.

So. Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. She claims it's only 20 minutes. Maybe when you're in great shape, time moves faster? Cause my laptop said it was almost 28 minutes. But hey - who's bitching for no reason?! Not me!!! Lol!!

So my back was sore, and I'm all stuffy medicine head...but I did it. I didn't hate it, which is a start. And you definitely move through everything fairly quickly, which I definitely appreciate. I didn't do every single second of every single move, because my back WAS sore, and I had to kind of modify things so that I could still walk the rest of today.

But I am very curious to see how much better I get at this level in the next nine days. For those who don't know, there are three levels, and each one lasts 10 days. So I will be halfway through the Level 2 disc when I do my Mud Run in two weeks.

I am going to take pictures at each 10 days, and compare. I don't know if I will post any of the pictures on here until I finish the first complete cycle - I'm just not ready to show the visual of those stats above yet. But I am documenting it all so that when I do get where I'm going, I can remember where I came from.

And I will get where I'm going.

11/3 - Starting 30 Day Shred

I have decided to start Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. I might be crazy.

Last time I did anything related to her, I fractured a bone in my foot. True story. Evil B's game on the Wii Fit was not my friend.

However, I've been reading and seeing a lot about this program and the results that you see after just a few days. I spent a couple hours tonight looking at results pics on google, and I am seriously impressed.

So I got the videos, and I am going to start tomorrow. I am hoping to lose at least one pant size by December 3. I am also still going to run at least three days a week.

I will take pictures of the before, but I am not ready to post those yet. I will post them once I have some good pics to compare them too. Haha!!

I am going to try and blog my experiences as the 30 days go by. It may not always be much - I suspect I may be too sore to type some days ;) But I am going to try and share how this goes.

If anyone has these dvd's, and wants to join me on my first Shred journey, I would love some motivational support :) If you don't have the dvd's, there are places you can find the video's online....if you know where to look ;)

So, Jillian - let's try and be friends for the next 30 days, ok??

"Change" - It's kind of a four letter word

I have come to realize lately that things are going to change. Some are good changes, some are bad, some you have control over, some you have to completely let go of and just let things fall wherever they are meant to be. But change itself? That is something you can always count on. The only thing you can actually DO is focus on the changes you have control over, and find a way to make it work for you.

So I had to ask myself - what can I change? Or - what do I want to change?

I am not happy with me. I don't like the way I look, I don't like the way I feel, I don't like who I am when I look and feel this way. I am NOT myself, and I don't like this person.

I want Colton to be proud of his mom. I want him to wear the "My Mom is Hot" shirt that his Aunt Kari bought for him - and I want to feel like that is a true statement.

We've been eating healthy since June, and I haven't had McDonald's in over four months. That is such an accomplishment for me....hahahahaha!! But seriously, there are days when I want some McD's fries SO BAD that I daydream about them. But I haven't had them.

I gave up drinking Mt Dew. That is also a huge change for me. I was drinking at least a six pack of Dew a day. Ugh. That is so bad to admit. But now I drink 2, sometimes 3 Coke Vanilla Zero's a day. As in - zero calories, zero carbs. At first it was pretty much zero flavor too, but I've gotten used to it now.

I started tracking my calories with myfitnesspal.com. I'm not always great at this, but when I do remember - it is CRAZY how much more picky I am with what I decide is worth the calories every day.

So I changed what I was putting in, and then, I had to focus on changing what I was putting out....

I have been running pretty regularly for a couple of months now. And I'll be honest. I have not enjoyed it. It's not fun, it's not something I look forward too, and I am ALWAYS happy when my run is over. And that's kind of sad, considering that up until last week I was only running a mile a half at a time.....four times a week.

Today I did my third 2 mile run. And for the first time - I felt good. I focused on my feet hitting the pavement. I focused on keeping my pace steady, and not overdoing it early on. My goal today was to just run as much of the two miles as I could.

I hit the 2 mile mark almost directly in front of my house. And I stopped, and I'll be honest - I cried. I cried because I ran almost that entire two miles. I walked twice - at .75 and at 1.5, and only long enough to drink some water and stretch a little bit.

I walked less than a quarter mile today That is such a big deal for me, I don't even know how to process it yet. And I felt GOOD - I didn't want to stop and walk every time the song changed. I didn't tell myself that I could stop when I reached the next street. I just kept going.....and suddenly I was home.

I have lost 24 lbs since starting to work out regularly in July. At first I was taking classes at the Red Mtn Center, which I loved...but I wasn't seeing results fast enough, and I knew that I could do better.

I started on the treadmill...and worked my way up to running a full mile start to finish. That was a pretty great day too. I did a LOT of research on running, and how to see results as quickly as possible while still remaining healthy. (I do have a baby I have to take care of ;))

And slowly, slowly...sometimes excruciatingly slowly...I am seeing results. In the last two weeks, I've been able to wear two pairs of pants that I haven't fit into since before I was pregnant. I have lost two inches of my waist, and an inch and a half off my hips. My legs always take well to working out, and for the first time in forever, I can actually cross one leg over the other comfortably while sitting in a chair.

Lately, I have been in more pictures instead of just taking them. No, I'm not at my goal weight yet, and I don't love every picture......but I have a little guy whose life is happening NOW, and I want to be in the records of his life. The best part about that has been that I actually have some current pictures of myself on Facebook...for the first time in a long time...lol!!!

It's those little things that change how you look at what you're doing, and make you appreciate every quarter mile.