How I Got Here - Part Two

So we've talked about the food, and how that factored into my weight gain. Getting a handle on that area of my life was my first step.

Then, I had to look at the other reasons I had gained so much weight.

I got lazy. It was easy to come home every day, snack on candy, and watch tv all night long. Who wants to work out when they get home from work?

But then.....my pants wouldn't fit. My shirts didn't quite cover what they used to. I had to go buy new clothes. And the sizes I thought I should be trying on....didn't even fit up over my thighs. Want to talk about the definition of heartbreak?

And so I wore what did fit. We all know what that is. Sweatpants. Pajamas. Tshirts. Nothing tight, nothing cute. Nothing worth getting dressed up and going out about.

So when you're wearing those types of clothes, other things start to go too. It's easy to wear your hair in a bun every day. Makeup? Who needs that - you're wearing blah clothes, and a bun. You don't want anyone REALLY looking at you anyways.

Manicures, pedicures....no reason for that when there's nothing else going on.

I have a stand up jewelry box with tons of earrings and necklaces that are super cute. But who wants to wear a necklace and draw attention to the fat around your face and neck?

I lost myself along the way. Because when you don't want anyone looking at you....you stop looking at yourself too. The depression you feel from being overweight makes it easier to justify sleeping instead of getting up twenty minutes earlier to blow dry and curl my hair. Cause remember - you have to look in a mirror to blow dry and curl hair, and put on makeup.

And for the past couple years, I have avoided mirrors like it was my job. If I didn't see it...the weight didn't exist, right??? Wrong.

Being at this weight has changed who I am. It's changed my personality, my attitude, my overall outlook on life. I USED TO BE A SUPER FUN GIRL. I could find something fun in any situation. Being overweight changed that about me. It has made me angry. Angry at myself for getting to this point, angry at myself for not being stronger sooner.

And that anger changes my reactions and reasoning to other areas of my life. It changes my interactions with my family and friends. It changes my general everyday outlook on life. When you dont want anyone looking at you, you stop looking at the people in your life too. I HATE that the weight has changed me. I don't like this girl. I don't like feeling the way I have been feeling for far too long.

I know that the girl I was still exists. I know that she is just waiting for me to find her again. I miss that girl. And so I am on a mission to find her. It took me a while to get on the right path, but I am on it now, and nothing is going to keep me from getting back to where I need to be.